I cannot find you. I have tried, it’s so useless, as if you have disappeared someplace where I just can’t get you from. Some people say I should lose hope, some say it’s pointless, some say it is better off as it is, and you know what? None of them are wrong. It is pointless and hopeless and better to stay away from you, but how? Since so many years the one person I was looking for, who, I finally find just to lose again? I can’t let go of you, not now, not ever. You think I am in love with you? It’s hilarious if you think that this whole obsession is nothing, but love. I am not your lover, if anything you are my biggest rival. The rival against that black piece of beating mass inside my chest. You are the only one who can fight it, not even me, not when I have no weapons to go with it.
You had them, your smile, that laugh which pierced arrows inside that heart which was invincible. You gave him reason to be scared and I rejoice the fact that you did. They say you should listen to your heart since it is never wrong and mine was. It was wrong when I buried my innocence, it was wrong when I let myself hold onto weapons to kill other soul, it was always wrong. The one worst wrong it did was when it let you go. Let my only guardian go who could have saved me from him and when you left, I could hear him laugh inside my head. That night when I told you “I have a severed heart. It only looks black…” all you did was laughing at me and touched that cage where it rested and said, “Give it to me, I will still have it. Take mine in return, I wouldn’t want you to die because of no heart.” I had smiled at that but refused to give it over.
You were so young and innocent, even with those dark eyes I could see that bright ray you carried with you. I knew it, I knew it that I did not deserve it, I did not deserve you and all you ever said was, “you still have me.” I couldn’t argue and then you were gone, gone in a way that now all I can do is search for you, and force myself not to forget all those small details you gifted me, though you always thought they were insignificant. I still am holding onto them till I get more of them when I find you. I have always wondered why you never got angry, why you always kept hanging onto me when I pushed you away, why you kept smiling that sweet smile even when I showed up after a few days. You are wrong if you think I love you, I don’t, I can’t. Loving you will only make what I feel about you shallow, I more than love you. They were wrong afterall, you are my rival, the rival which defeated that heart and made me live. But now I can’t, not with you away. So I won’t. I will wait for you to join me, whenever you are ready, whenever you want too. This time I will wait… and smile when I see you reflecting your face.