I hate it… but i love it..

I have always tried to make my heart agree with my head. I don’t understand why that is not possible, why I feel so wasted when I try to reason with either of them. So I do the only thing that makes sense right now, I go with my heart. I have always felt this wild desire to know why these two organs never agree with one another, it’s not like I have lived two lives but still I face two different opinions about what I do. Maybe the reason is me, it’s not the same for all. People don’t have to question their intensions but I have always felt the need to do so. Having two people living inside me is not very positively overwhelming. Especially when they hate each other, not when they are trying to kill each other using me as a bait. It’s something I have stopped thinking about a while ago but my questions never die. Whenever I use my strength to handle a weaker soul, a soul that tries to get off my hands, soul that flinches even with the movement of my eyes. They are two people in me that start talking at the same time, “Leave him, he is not done anything” and another,” Leave him and get killed by a stronger one.” They say living is the ultimate motive of human life but living how?

I dread, I am more scared that ever, scared of that person who has the power to kill me so I take the cowards way out, I listen to my soul, my heart. My heart is never wrong I tell myself and my mind, my mind has no heart. I let the topic drop but not until I wash off the liquid red off my hands. I have stopped loving things because I think I have forgotten. I have stopped thinking of my deeds because my mind has lost hope in me so where do those questions come from? I hate it, I hate being confused. Confusion just ends up asking me more questions. Living like this is painful, always has been but my heart does his best to survive, it just keeps reminding me that one thing which I have never tried to change about me, that one thing which dictates my life, that one evil which I have never tried to get off me, that one sentence, “You hate it… but you love it.”

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